Embracing a Little "Hocus Pocus"

Why is it that I never tire of taking personality assessments? To me, reading the results of a personality test is kind of like reading a horoscope, or getting a "reading" from an a psychic or other intuitive. For the record, I've participated in "intuitive readings" twice, for fun. One reading I had was with a pet psychic several years ago - yes you read that right - and the other was just a few weeks ago with an "energy" reader in Chicago, which was fascinating (and worth a separate entry).

I get it, maybe it's not altogether a fair comparison, what with the principles of the science of psychology backing the whole personality test gig, compared to, say, tea leaves, crystal balls, decks of cards, celestial bodies and other such imaginative rigmarole that accompanies horoscopes and psychics and whatnot. But regardless of the source, those kernels of wisdom can feel so uniquely suited to me, all the while still feeling like hocus pocus - even the personality assessments (sorry, Carl Jung).

I've taken the Myers Briggs in various capacities probably a dozen times, almost always resulting in the somewhat rare "INFJ" (supposedly, less than 2% of the population shares this personality type). On those other occasions, it's only a slight variation of "INTJ."

This afternoon, I took a yet another (free) Myers Briggs based assessment online called 16 Personalities. Once again, my result came back as "INFJ-T" (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging, Turbulent). This assessment also gave me some new labels to explore, including "Advocate", and "Diplomat" with a strategy of "Constant Improvement." You can learn more about the different personality type indicators here.

This particular version also shares your personality profile outcomes according to several different topics, including personality type strengths and weaknesses, impact on romantic relationships, friendships, career and workplace, and a "premium" teaser to entice the test taker to level up and pay for more content. I was particularly stricken by my INFJ assessment outlined the career section, and here's a direct excerpt of my career results from the 16 Personalities website previously cited:

INFJs are likely to find that most corporate career paths are not designed for them, but for those focused on status and material gain....Many INFJs struggle to begin a career early on because they see ten wildly different paths forward, each with its own intrinsic rewards, alluring but also heartbreaking, because each means abandoning so much else. People with the INFJ personality type are more likely to, despite their aversion to controlling others, establish their independence by either finding a leadership position, or simply starting their own practice. As independents, sole proprietors in the parlance of business, INFJs are free to follow their hearts, applying their personal touch, creativity and altruism to everything they do. INFJs often pursue expressive careers such as writing, elegant communicators that they are, and author many popular blogs, stories and screenplays.

Well! OK then! That all sounds pretty spot on to me.  And then I got to the "premium" portion of the profile -- another excerpt here:

An Advocate is a rare bird, indeed – making up only 1 to 2 percent of the population, it is no wonder that many Advocates, surrounded by so many people who are so unlike them, begin to feel lost. Some struggle for much of their lives, trying to be something they’re not...strong-willed, passionate, creative, giving individuals who nevertheless felt like something was missing.

Yep yep yep! On the money! Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see, and maybe I'm just looking for more affirmation that my recent decision to vacate my career is the right one...but still, they sold me...hook line and sinker.

There goes $32.99....and now, please excuse me, my 100 page "premium" download is ready, and I have some more reading to do! Off to explore those deep chasms within (that sounds dirty! heee!)

Throwing Away the Scorecard

More often than not, in pretty much every area of my life, I have chosen to play by the rules.

As a kid, I bought into the mentality that if I achieved good grades, listened to adults, and more or less stayed out of trouble, then "the good life" could be mine. I based my self-worth in achieving the "A." I rarely rocked the boat, and I felt anxious when others around me would test the boundaries.

I was (am) a perfectionist. I was (am) a control freak. I was suffocating myself trying to keep my shit together at all times, even when I had every justifiable reason to just go ahead and lose my shit. And, oh man, the guilt and the shame that would soon follow my inevitable shit-losing sessions...

As an adult, this mindset has manifested itself in a similar way. While my perfectionism has receded somewhat, and I am more willing to rock the boat when I think the situation necessitates, I am still very much wrapped up in state of mind that suggests my self-worth is defined by a certain level of productivity, the degree of accomplishments I can rack up, and keeping face. 

Case in point, this week B observed an emerging pattern of behavior I've exhibited each day. Almost as soon as he walks in the door from work, I start by rattling off my minor "successes" for the day. "B, guess what. I did the dishes and ran the laundry. I have spicy chicken in the crock pot for tacos tonight."  I then follow it up with a sheepish confession. "But...I read a book in bed until almost noon, and then I watched 4 consecutive episodes of the Real Housewives....and I ate ice cream for lunch."

His response, paraphrased, but more or less, "That's great, Molly, and dinner sounds good to me. Thanks for taking care of the laundry. But you know you don't have to keep a scorecard. It's ok right now to just relax. Wasn't that supposed to be a part of your time out? I think it's good that you're watching TV and reading and decompressing. Don't feel like you need to hit some quota of accomplishments each day, for my benefit."

Wise words those are, from my dear husband, who knows me so darn well. Because he's right. It's ok for me to stop looking for that gold star of approval, and I don't need to be caught up in proving my worthiness to others at all times. 

Yes, defining and achieving goals is a good thing. Doing things for others is a good thing. And, keeping our shit together is often a necessary thing. 

But, sometimes it’s ok to go ahead and lose that shit. It’s ok to adopt a temporary vegetative state now and again to watch frivolous TV and eat a fucking Hostess cupcake without feeling like the worst person in the world for doing so. It’s ok to turn inward to listen to your own voice instead of always looking outward for some kind of validation. It's ok to do the opposite of what is expected of us, sometimes anyway.

And, that's a big part of why I'm taking this time out. I need to care enough about myself to figure I really want and need out of life, fearlessly and selfishly, listening to my own voice. And right now the first step toward doing that means a legit, hedonistic chillax session, without trying to justify it or worrying about it seeming irresponsible or “wrong” in some way.

So, for now, I’m not going to pay much attention to the rule book. I'm not concentrating on figuring out the “right” next steps or solving the puzzle. I’m finished keeping a scorecard. I’m going to take some days on my own terms, which today means heading to yoga, maybe making some cookies and eating a bunch of them myself, and taking an afternoon nap with my cats. No guilt. No shame. Just me. 

Stopping the Clock

This past Friday was my last day at work. I decided to leave my job without another one lined up, and with a tentative plan to remain out of the earning sphere for the rest of 2015.

I have spent the past 13 years building a career as a strategy consultant and consumer researcher, and a successful one at that, when success is defined by promotions, salary milestones, the "bigness" and "high-powered-ness" of the employers on my resume and the clients I have served (and the "perks" that can accompany those types of businesses), and my degree of impact on several well-known consumer brands in the form of marketplace communication and product innovation. But my career success has come with a certain (high) degree of stress and sacrifice in other areas of my life that I'm not sure I see myself maintaining for the rest of my working days.  And, there are other definitions of success that I'd like to explore with more depth than I have so far.

Therefore, I'm hitting the pause button to reassess my career path, personal values, motivators and interests and to determine types of contributions I am best equipped to make to the world. 

I am a plodder and a thinker (an over-thinker extraordinaire, if I'm honest), and frankly, a late bloomer in every sense of the word. I need this halt. I need this drastic measure. I have worked extremely hard, I have saved like crazy, and I have the incredible support of my husband (and yes, also an unearned degree of privilege) to be able to take this professional time out with limited concern for any personal financial repercussions.

I appreciate all of the encouragement and positive reactions that have come my way since sharing my decision with friends, family, mentors and colleagues. I expected to be on the receiving end of some negative judgment for my decision, which probably says something more about my insecurities than anything, and I am thankful that has not been the case.

My intention is to document my experience as it unfolds, and if it feels right, I'll share updates here on my little blog. I don't know how this experiment in focused self-discovery is going to shake out, but I'm certain it will come with a mix of highs and lows, adventure and monotony, and a bunch of other dichotomies and duality that may or may not be interesting to anyone else but me. Please check in with me (directly or through the blog) if you're so inclined, and I promise to do the same.

Here we go!